I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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