I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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