If i come over, it means nothing
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
