I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
