Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
