I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
