i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We have so much sex to catch up on
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
