I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
