i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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