your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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