And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
