Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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