i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
