I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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