If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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