dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
