Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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