he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
