The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You took a bar mat shot.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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