my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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