i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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