I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
