Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
