Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
