I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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