i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
