hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
