I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
