I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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