First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
