Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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