Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
