On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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