with your own penis?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
