I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
ttyl tear gas
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
