gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
