I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
