his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
