oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
