my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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