girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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