All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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