remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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