Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
