haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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