I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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