I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
