I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
