I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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