During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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