Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
