How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
