I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
